A teaching assistant's prayer
On burnout, grace and God's extraordinary heart for difficult children- like me.
Being a teaching assistant is harder than I could have ever imagined.
For the past month or so, I’ve been working as a TA in a particularly challenging Year 6 class, and it’s been tough to say the least. There are some kids in that class who act up constantly due to difficult home lives and unmet learning needs caused by a criminal lack of government funding for SEND. I spend most days encouraging children who are afraid of making mistakes, trying to provide the positive relationships that they so desperately need, battling bullying, breaking up fights and running round the school to find children who have run out of class.
There have been encouraging moments too, and I’m starting to build up trust and see the kids grow. I can see so much goodness and potential in them as well as the anger, insecurity and pain that makes them do things like climbing out of windows or flipping over tables, to give a couple of extreme examples. However, I often go home pretty burnt out, and feeling like a bit of a failure. Sometimes I want to give up all together.
I don't, though. Because I want to show the kids something of the God who never gives up on them.
One of my friends told me that children with challenging home lives often lash out at others because they want to test the limits of their love. They have never known adults who love them and show up for them without fail, and so they push people away because they assume they will give up sooner or later anyway and want to minimise the pain. They want to test if the relationship is truly unconditional.
Her words made me realise these these kids act a bit like how I act towards God. I find it so hard to believe that God’s love for me in Jesus is real and unchanging no matter what I do. I rebel against His rule even though it’s there for my good. I get scared of making mistakes, and desperately need the freedom that comes from knowing that Jesus died on a cross for all my imperfections and wrongdoing.
Yet because of Jesus, God shows me grace, forgiveness and encouragement every single day, and I have extraordinary security in His love. As one of my favourite Bible verses says:
“For the mountains shall depart, and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall never depart from you, nor shall my covenant of peace be removed”, says the Lord, who has mercy on you.
Isaiah 54:10
Another favourite verse says:
“Neither death not life, angels nor demons, neither the present not the future, not any powers, neither height not depth, nor anything anything else in the whole of creation can ever separate us from the love of God that is ours in Christ Jesus our Lord”.
Romans 8:38-39
Though I’m not allowed tell the kids about Jesus directly, I can pray for them, and try to show them even a fraction of the unconditional love that He has shown me, in the hope that it would point them to Him. I long for Him to heal them and bring them to Himself, knowing the wonderful, unshakeable identity and relationship He offers. Below is a short poem I wrote after a particularly difficult day at school, pouring out my grief and longings for these kids to God.
Whatever you believe and wherever you work, I hope it encourages you and shows you something of God’s extraordinary heart for difficult children- like me.
A Teaching Assistant’s Prayer
When I look at these kids, Lord, it breaks me in two
Because none of them realise how much they need You.
They're desperate for love, terrified of mistakes
But they assume I'll give up so they push me away.
They pick on the weak thinking that makes them strong,
They boast when they're right and they cry when they're wrong.
Climbing out windows and flipping over tables
They've never known love or a home life that's stable.
And it's not just more "grit" or more self-esteem
Not "do your best" or "you've got this" they need
These children need grace, they need forgiveness too
They need love that won't give up whatever they do.
And I try and be patient, but Lord, I'm so tired
As I run after yet one more runaway child
But I think to You, Jesus, and Your love for me,
Your gentle persistence when I kick and scream.
Because I'm also a child, in my Father's eyes
I pushed You away, thought Your love was a lie.
Yet You died for my sins when I hated You most
And You ran through Hell gladly to bring me back home.
Your love never quits, never turns a blind eye
You stay by my side, give me power to try.
I know that I'm Yours no matter how far I run
You make me the person I was made to become.
So by Your strength I'll keep chasing after these kids
Show them love that won't flinch when they flip their lids
And I pray that one day they'll run to the embrace
Of the One who brings freedom, and refuge, and grace.